Stuff

I sometimes don't understand how I get myself into these situations yet I do. I am old enough to know the difference in what is right and wrong. I still keep choosing the wrong path to follow. I am reinforcing my negative behavior. Take for example the other night, Tia and I got into a fight and the right thing for me to do would have been to apologize for my poor behavior yet I didn't. I just sat there. I just watched her be in pain and did nothing to stop it. What kind of a sick individual have I become? I used to get upset when she was hurting, yet now I just prefer to cause it. I can't even cry. I DO NOT like who I am right now. This person is horrible, mean, and just plain cruel. How does someone become this way? I need to change this about myself because if I don't, I will end up alone without anything to be proud of. I don't want to be alone, I want to have my wife, and future children with her but they do not need a parent like the person that I am right now.  This stops here. I am from now on put the important things first and the rest of the stuff next. That is the only way that I can hope to improve my marriage as well as my life as a normal human being.

Feeling like a failure

Today I am feeling like I can't do anything right. I am disappointing my wife it seems every turn I make. I know that by letting my wife mother me is causing a lot of this friction yet I sitll let her do it. I feel like I am failing at being a husband, man, and human being. Why can't I just get over my self and just grow up already. I know that I am letting this lifetrap control me. I need to focus on that chapter in my book. I am realizing that this is a huge pity party that I am throwing myself, yet I still feel that I must throw it. What is wrong with me? I guess I think that its easier to fail than it is to succeed. I want to succeed.  to be cont....

Sadness

Today I found out some pretty sad news about one of my coworkers. Her newborn son passed away only days after being born. I almost don't even know what to feel because I can't imagine what they must be going through. I don't even want to think of that kind of pain. 

I also have a sadness in myself. I once again took an opportunity to do something productive and wasted it on doing something that pleases me rather than get the things I need to get done completed. I know that I could of had this stuff done yet I still when the opportunity arises, take full advantage of what I can and exploit that. This generally gets me what I want and more. I am aware that this is my entitlement lifetrap speaking. I need to look around and find out why these things are still so important, when if I just did what I need to do the first time This would be helpful I think.  

New Book

Well I haven't talked to you in a while. I have finished reading the 5 love languages and the 5 languages of apology. I am now on to the Reinventing your life book, this is the one that Marie suggested to Tia for me. I am feeling very uncomfortable with how many of the lifetraps I actually am trapped in. I am seeing my self in the examples that are given in the book. I see myself using all three coping techniques, surrender, escape, and counterattack all in the same instance. I often criticize myself harshly, then try to avoid the problem, and if I can\'t avoid it I act superiorly over the others around me. I think that this book might be the one thing that will help me become a better person. I am willing to change because I would like to have a relationship tha is based upon love  and honesty. I am making a bigger effort into being aware of what I am doing emotionally. I am still finding talking about my feelings very difficult. This is only the beginning. I have a long way to go and I will get there. That is a promise. I just need to remember to tell my wife what I did, what I think I can still do, and if that is ok (giving her the control). I am sitting here and still not liking that idea yet I need to get what.

Last night

Today I woke up with a new attitude. I was going to do the things that I had been putting off till the last minute. I started my reading and I finished it before the guys came to look at my car. I felt really good that I got that done right away and I will keep that going because I now that it will help me become a better human being and husband. I have also realized that I have become a person that I really don’t like. I treat people with disrespect and get upset when they treat me like crap. I am changing that attitude to one of the golden rule. “treat others like you would like to be treated. I have already put this attitude into practice at work. I had bought Jeremy a tea and he had asked me what the tea was for and I told him that I am changing my ways and that I would like to treat people the way that I would like to be treated. That really threw him for a loop. I am slowly learning that I can change and it is not a bad thing. I also think that it is helpful in aiding me in growing up. I learned today that even changing my attitude just a little was not that difficult and not that scary. I don’t know why I was fighting this so much.

Today's Counselling

Well today I went for my counselling appt. and have come the the realization that I am still trying to hold onto my childhood mentality. I am admitting that I have a problem with change. Yet I won't move past that step. I will get to step two because it isn't as hard as I think it is. I need to write out a formal apology to my wife and show her that I a really sincere in my apology.

OCD

Today we watched Hoarders and OCD shows on A&E which started a conversation about my lack of motivation and follow through with the list that tia and I agreed on for me to come back into the bedroom. I amd still only doing the minimal effort that I can possibly do. I am not committing to the amount of effort that is needed to be put forth to improve my marriage. I am aware of what I am doing yet I still keep making excuses for my behaviour. I need to stop the freakin excuses and just be an adult who does what he said that he is going to do. What am I getting out of not following through? I don't think I am really losing anything. So why is it so difficult. I am not a child, I should be able to do this on my own. THE EXCUSES NEED TO STOP!!!!!! It's called grow up already and be a man.


Till next time

My insensitivity

Why do I think that it is funny that someone else is hurting?  My sister in law has been home for a couple of days with a sore back. I have been going over there to help her with the Legacy. The part that is bothering her is that her boyfriend hasn't talked to her in days. I thought that it was funny that she broke up with another one again.  I think that she is lookiing to hard. Tia made a really good point why does brandi have to stop looking so hard. She is a young mother who is just looking for some stability in her world. What right do I have to judge her. I am still looking @ life happening to people. I don't understand why I can't seem to get past this way of thinking. I must admit to myself that I should not think like that because it is very insensitive.

Thursday

This morning was really good.  I came home to be intimate with my wife. She sent me a text message with explicit instructions which left me very intrigued so I was trying to rush to get home to her. The one thing I forgot was that when it is miserable out, that is when people decide to come for breakfast really early like @ 7 am. I made it home by 8 am. and we had a full hour of sensual pleasure. We baby danced with the potential happy ending. Normally I am done right away except today I kept going like the energizer bunny. Later today I was asked by my wife to go to her mom's house to help her sister take care of the baby because her back was really hurting. I immediately got up and got dressed and went over. While I was there I got to feed the baby in her high chair. This was a first experience for me. I thought that it was really nice of Tia to suggest that it be me that feeds her. I thought the day was going pretty good until we got home and had dessert. It was then that I was getting my contacts from the one phone so I could put them in the other, it was then that Tia asked me if I got what I needed to get done. I said that I got the one chapter done, which then she attacked back that it should have been done 2 days ago and that I spent too much time dealing with the contacts in my phone, when I should have been reading and journaling. On some ends I agree that I should have been done the stuff that I needed to do before I sat in front of the tv. Yet on the other hand, there has been a lot done today and I would like to relax for a little bit. I guess I don't really understand Tia hasn't really noticed the things that I actually have been changing. For example, I am trying to speak her love languages, I am trying to stay positive, I am trying to be the man that she fell in love with, the one that would do stuff for her at the drop of a hat. The only problem is that I feel that none of that makes any difference. If I don't finish my reading exactly on time I have failed her once again. I know that these are just tasks but I said that I would do them. This is the follow through that Tia really wants to see me do on a daily basis. Like it says in the Apology book "his follow-through is what make her aware of his sincerity".  as well as "the key is being willing to admit your failures and get up and try again". I need to put this stuff into practice and I think that stuff will improve

this morning

Well this morning was an eye opening experience. I am still making excuses for not doing the one task that I need to do which is my journalling. I can usually find the time to finish the rest of the list yet I still leave out the journalling because it involves me writing about my feelings. I have slept in the bed with tia once since she let me back in the bed. I for some stupid reason which I am still trying to figure out what that is and why I keep doing it.What is wrong with me that I am unconsciously choose the couch over my own bed. I am still making excuses and I don't even realize it. OMG could I be any more screwed up. Why would I want a life of sadness instead of happiness. I just don't get it. I think that I need to take the advice that the books and the counselor is giving me and actually run with it. Why am I so afraid of just admitting my feelings and being vulnerable to someone else. I know deep in my heart that I want to spend my life with Tia yet I still won't just grow up and become a man already. No I have to sit their and pout like a little child not getting his way. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that I keep doing the stuff that I have always done. We can see how that has worked for me in the past.

Saturday

Last night was pretty good because I got up without a fight and I am trying to be more conscientious of how I am treating my wife especially when I am tired. I also have been working on trying to accept the tasks that are being asked of me without putting up a huge fight. I need to remember that my wife and I are on the same side. We both want the same things. For this family to run smoothly and become an actual family. I know that Tia has my best interests at heart, so that is what I need to do for her as well. I also think that I am beginning to understand why I lied for so long. I was trying to avoid a conflict. I have since learned that the best thing to do is to face the problem head on. I think that I would like to implement into my marriage a time limit when tia and I sit down and just talk for 15 minutes each day. I think that will help me just get things out in the open and also help me just get them out.

Criteria to stay in the bedroom

1. Read my self-help books
2. Catboxes and water/food dishes
3. journal/blog everyday
4. Write things down so I can recall them
5. Ask for clarification when I don't understand
6. Focus on one Love Language/week
7. Focus on understanding a good and a bad emotion/ week, doing the one that I don't really want to do first

How pathetic

I can't believe I did it again. I still keep disappointing my wife over and over. I say that I will do what she asks and then I turn around and do the opposite and it ends up in an arguement. I just don't understand why this is so hard for me to accept.  I know that I shouldn't be playing games but I just can't seem to help myself.  I gave myself permission to go and play while she was on facebook. I know that at we agreed on no playing games until I was back in the bedroom 

Last night at work was pretty slow. So I asked Tia to come down to Humpty's to visit. I really enjoy her coming down and sitting there, especially since I have stopped the lies. I have stopped looking over my shoulder. There has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I know that the lies for that long was wrong and should have never been started and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself to have let that go on that long. Tia asked me last night if I am ever going to show misery for what I did and I told her that if I let myself get to that point, I would give up on everything including my marriage, career, and life. I also told her that I am going to do everything I can to make our lives better. Tia then said that I needed to journal everyday, put more effort into reading my self help books and retaining and using that information that I learn.

My First Blog

Wow this is really exciting that I am learning to move into the 21st century. I officially have a blog. Well sort of a blog, it is more of a journal than a blog.