Stuff

I sometimes don't understand how I get myself into these situations yet I do. I am old enough to know the difference in what is right and wrong. I still keep choosing the wrong path to follow. I am reinforcing my negative behavior. Take for example the other night, Tia and I got into a fight and the right thing for me to do would have been to apologize for my poor behavior yet I didn't. I just sat there. I just watched her be in pain and did nothing to stop it. What kind of a sick individual have I become? I used to get upset when she was hurting, yet now I just prefer to cause it. I can't even cry. I DO NOT like who I am right now. This person is horrible, mean, and just plain cruel. How does someone become this way? I need to change this about myself because if I don't, I will end up alone without anything to be proud of. I don't want to be alone, I want to have my wife, and future children with her but they do not need a parent like the person that I am right now.  This stops here. I am from now on put the important things first and the rest of the stuff next. That is the only way that I can hope to improve my marriage as well as my life as a normal human being.

Feeling like a failure

Today I am feeling like I can't do anything right. I am disappointing my wife it seems every turn I make. I know that by letting my wife mother me is causing a lot of this friction yet I sitll let her do it. I feel like I am failing at being a husband, man, and human being. Why can't I just get over my self and just grow up already. I know that I am letting this lifetrap control me. I need to focus on that chapter in my book. I am realizing that this is a huge pity party that I am throwing myself, yet I still feel that I must throw it. What is wrong with me? I guess I think that its easier to fail than it is to succeed. I want to succeed.  to be cont....

Sadness

Today I found out some pretty sad news about one of my coworkers. Her newborn son passed away only days after being born. I almost don't even know what to feel because I can't imagine what they must be going through. I don't even want to think of that kind of pain. 

I also have a sadness in myself. I once again took an opportunity to do something productive and wasted it on doing something that pleases me rather than get the things I need to get done completed. I know that I could of had this stuff done yet I still when the opportunity arises, take full advantage of what I can and exploit that. This generally gets me what I want and more. I am aware that this is my entitlement lifetrap speaking. I need to look around and find out why these things are still so important, when if I just did what I need to do the first time This would be helpful I think.  

New Book

Well I haven't talked to you in a while. I have finished reading the 5 love languages and the 5 languages of apology. I am now on to the Reinventing your life book, this is the one that Marie suggested to Tia for me. I am feeling very uncomfortable with how many of the lifetraps I actually am trapped in. I am seeing my self in the examples that are given in the book. I see myself using all three coping techniques, surrender, escape, and counterattack all in the same instance. I often criticize myself harshly, then try to avoid the problem, and if I can\'t avoid it I act superiorly over the others around me. I think that this book might be the one thing that will help me become a better person. I am willing to change because I would like to have a relationship tha is based upon love  and honesty. I am making a bigger effort into being aware of what I am doing emotionally. I am still finding talking about my feelings very difficult. This is only the beginning. I have a long way to go and I will get there. That is a promise. I just need to remember to tell my wife what I did, what I think I can still do, and if that is ok (giving her the control). I am sitting here and still not liking that idea yet I need to get what.

Last night

Today I woke up with a new attitude. I was going to do the things that I had been putting off till the last minute. I started my reading and I finished it before the guys came to look at my car. I felt really good that I got that done right away and I will keep that going because I now that it will help me become a better human being and husband. I have also realized that I have become a person that I really don’t like. I treat people with disrespect and get upset when they treat me like crap. I am changing that attitude to one of the golden rule. “treat others like you would like to be treated. I have already put this attitude into practice at work. I had bought Jeremy a tea and he had asked me what the tea was for and I told him that I am changing my ways and that I would like to treat people the way that I would like to be treated. That really threw him for a loop. I am slowly learning that I can change and it is not a bad thing. I also think that it is helpful in aiding me in growing up. I learned today that even changing my attitude just a little was not that difficult and not that scary. I don’t know why I was fighting this so much.

Today's Counselling

Well today I went for my counselling appt. and have come the the realization that I am still trying to hold onto my childhood mentality. I am admitting that I have a problem with change. Yet I won't move past that step. I will get to step two because it isn't as hard as I think it is. I need to write out a formal apology to my wife and show her that I a really sincere in my apology.