this morning

Well this morning was an eye opening experience. I am still making excuses for not doing the one task that I need to do which is my journalling. I can usually find the time to finish the rest of the list yet I still leave out the journalling because it involves me writing about my feelings. I have slept in the bed with tia once since she let me back in the bed. I for some stupid reason which I am still trying to figure out what that is and why I keep doing it.What is wrong with me that I am unconsciously choose the couch over my own bed. I am still making excuses and I don't even realize it. OMG could I be any more screwed up. Why would I want a life of sadness instead of happiness. I just don't get it. I think that I need to take the advice that the books and the counselor is giving me and actually run with it. Why am I so afraid of just admitting my feelings and being vulnerable to someone else. I know deep in my heart that I want to spend my life with Tia yet I still won't just grow up and become a man already. No I have to sit their and pout like a little child not getting his way. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that I keep doing the stuff that I have always done. We can see how that has worked for me in the past.