OCD

Today we watched Hoarders and OCD shows on A&E which started a conversation about my lack of motivation and follow through with the list that tia and I agreed on for me to come back into the bedroom. I amd still only doing the minimal effort that I can possibly do. I am not committing to the amount of effort that is needed to be put forth to improve my marriage. I am aware of what I am doing yet I still keep making excuses for my behaviour. I need to stop the freakin excuses and just be an adult who does what he said that he is going to do. What am I getting out of not following through? I don't think I am really losing anything. So why is it so difficult. I am not a child, I should be able to do this on my own. THE EXCUSES NEED TO STOP!!!!!! It's called grow up already and be a man.


Till next time

My insensitivity

Why do I think that it is funny that someone else is hurting?  My sister in law has been home for a couple of days with a sore back. I have been going over there to help her with the Legacy. The part that is bothering her is that her boyfriend hasn't talked to her in days. I thought that it was funny that she broke up with another one again.  I think that she is lookiing to hard. Tia made a really good point why does brandi have to stop looking so hard. She is a young mother who is just looking for some stability in her world. What right do I have to judge her. I am still looking @ life happening to people. I don't understand why I can't seem to get past this way of thinking. I must admit to myself that I should not think like that because it is very insensitive.

Thursday

This morning was really good.  I came home to be intimate with my wife. She sent me a text message with explicit instructions which left me very intrigued so I was trying to rush to get home to her. The one thing I forgot was that when it is miserable out, that is when people decide to come for breakfast really early like @ 7 am. I made it home by 8 am. and we had a full hour of sensual pleasure. We baby danced with the potential happy ending. Normally I am done right away except today I kept going like the energizer bunny. Later today I was asked by my wife to go to her mom's house to help her sister take care of the baby because her back was really hurting. I immediately got up and got dressed and went over. While I was there I got to feed the baby in her high chair. This was a first experience for me. I thought that it was really nice of Tia to suggest that it be me that feeds her. I thought the day was going pretty good until we got home and had dessert. It was then that I was getting my contacts from the one phone so I could put them in the other, it was then that Tia asked me if I got what I needed to get done. I said that I got the one chapter done, which then she attacked back that it should have been done 2 days ago and that I spent too much time dealing with the contacts in my phone, when I should have been reading and journaling. On some ends I agree that I should have been done the stuff that I needed to do before I sat in front of the tv. Yet on the other hand, there has been a lot done today and I would like to relax for a little bit. I guess I don't really understand Tia hasn't really noticed the things that I actually have been changing. For example, I am trying to speak her love languages, I am trying to stay positive, I am trying to be the man that she fell in love with, the one that would do stuff for her at the drop of a hat. The only problem is that I feel that none of that makes any difference. If I don't finish my reading exactly on time I have failed her once again. I know that these are just tasks but I said that I would do them. This is the follow through that Tia really wants to see me do on a daily basis. Like it says in the Apology book "his follow-through is what make her aware of his sincerity".  as well as "the key is being willing to admit your failures and get up and try again". I need to put this stuff into practice and I think that stuff will improve

this morning

Well this morning was an eye opening experience. I am still making excuses for not doing the one task that I need to do which is my journalling. I can usually find the time to finish the rest of the list yet I still leave out the journalling because it involves me writing about my feelings. I have slept in the bed with tia once since she let me back in the bed. I for some stupid reason which I am still trying to figure out what that is and why I keep doing it.What is wrong with me that I am unconsciously choose the couch over my own bed. I am still making excuses and I don't even realize it. OMG could I be any more screwed up. Why would I want a life of sadness instead of happiness. I just don't get it. I think that I need to take the advice that the books and the counselor is giving me and actually run with it. Why am I so afraid of just admitting my feelings and being vulnerable to someone else. I know deep in my heart that I want to spend my life with Tia yet I still won't just grow up and become a man already. No I have to sit their and pout like a little child not getting his way. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that I keep doing the stuff that I have always done. We can see how that has worked for me in the past.

Saturday

Last night was pretty good because I got up without a fight and I am trying to be more conscientious of how I am treating my wife especially when I am tired. I also have been working on trying to accept the tasks that are being asked of me without putting up a huge fight. I need to remember that my wife and I are on the same side. We both want the same things. For this family to run smoothly and become an actual family. I know that Tia has my best interests at heart, so that is what I need to do for her as well. I also think that I am beginning to understand why I lied for so long. I was trying to avoid a conflict. I have since learned that the best thing to do is to face the problem head on. I think that I would like to implement into my marriage a time limit when tia and I sit down and just talk for 15 minutes each day. I think that will help me just get things out in the open and also help me just get them out.

Criteria to stay in the bedroom

1. Read my self-help books
2. Catboxes and water/food dishes
3. journal/blog everyday
4. Write things down so I can recall them
5. Ask for clarification when I don't understand
6. Focus on one Love Language/week
7. Focus on understanding a good and a bad emotion/ week, doing the one that I don't really want to do first

How pathetic

I can't believe I did it again. I still keep disappointing my wife over and over. I say that I will do what she asks and then I turn around and do the opposite and it ends up in an arguement. I just don't understand why this is so hard for me to accept.  I know that I shouldn't be playing games but I just can't seem to help myself.  I gave myself permission to go and play while she was on facebook. I know that at we agreed on no playing games until I was back in the bedroom